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Observe your child with an objective mind, like a scientist. Perhaps even record what they do. If you are concerned about your son's eating, keep a record of his diet for a few days. Notice, on several occasions, what happens just before a tantrum.
Listen to your child, giving eye contact and full attention.
Give your full attention to each member of your family sometime each day. Go for a walk, following your child's pace and interests.
Ask questions. What will you need to take with you tomorrow? What might help? What do you think happened?
Include rather than exclude your child. Let the child help with your work. Let them stamp the envelopes, wash the dishes, unpack the groceries. Teach them about your hobbies.
Create routines so the child knows what to expect, knows what happens next, what she needs to do. A child will do a task because that is what we do next, not because mom or dad wants him to (it is impersonal). Children find security in routine. "We use the bathroom before we get in the car." "We wash our hands before we eat." "We can't eat until the table is set." "After you are dressed, then come to breakfast."
Give choices, so the child feels some control over his own life. Make a few appropriate outfits available, hung on a low closet rod, so the child can choose what to wear. "Would you like to set the table or tear the lettuce?"
Judge the behavior, not the person. "Let's look at this clean bedroom!" "I noticed that you shared with your sister."
Make an observation. "Loud voices scare the baby." "She is crying. I think that hurt her."
Provide the needed information. Discipline is teaching. "Chairs are for sitting." "We write on paper."
*Modify the environment:
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Providing materials - Provide an interesting activity.
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Restricting materials - Use tools with an adult; use clay in the sink.
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Simplifying/Allowing Independence - Stool at the sink.
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Rearranging - Toys on low shelves.
*Consequences must be (1) related to the behavior, (2) applied consistently, and (3) acceptable to the parent(s) so that they will follow through.
Natural Consequences occur as a result of the child's actions (if the adult allows the child to face the consequence.) The child doesn't eat and is hungry later.
Logical Consequences are provided by the adult and are related to the behavior. Child is removed from the store/restaurant/library if she misbehaves. Child cleans a mess he made or repairs something he damaged.
*Time Out or Quiet Time is a possible consequence, helpful when the child is removed from a problematic situation and/or needs the opportunity to calm down. The child is removed from activity and sits quietly for a few minutes. Adults may take some Quiet Time when they get upset. Or, the parent can remove him/herself from the child, briefly, as a consequence, for example, if the child is aggressive to the parent. Time out is often misused as a punishment, to satisfy the parent's anger.
Show rather than tell, or tell, briefly. No lectures! Instead of telling a very young child to pick up toys, do it with him and he will imitate. "That hurts! Please be gentle." (show a gentle touch).
Avoid "No!", so the child will pay attention when you do say it. Speak positively. "Yes, we can go outside after your nap."
Give a positive alternative. You may throw a ball (not your toys and books).
Distraction works well with toddlers. Child is reaching for an inappropriate object - hand him an appropriate object instead.
Remember, a child is not misbehaving if she or he is engaged in positive activity.
*See Elizabeth Crary's Without Spanking or Spoiling.
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